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Hemangiosarcoma: The silent killer that shook my world...
I'm not the biggest fan of doing utterly personal blogs, but after losing my dear furbaby, Chloé, to the great unknown we all will eventually face, I realised that the support I have from family, friends and strangers are tremendous and I want to thank you all for that.
As writing is my way of dealing, I wanted to share a small fraction of what this sudden, unexpected loss had made me realise, how I'm not dealing and to also spread awareness of this cancer to hopefully help others catch the early signs.
I'm going to start by saying, that this was sudden. Like my dad called about a week before it all happened, to say she'd been a little ill and that the vet had diagnosed her with tick fever. Which in its own right, is already an 'oh shit' type thing, because my baby before Chloé, Nita, had passed because of this.
But this silently hiding illness...to fully express myself, this was way effing scarier.
I want to say unluckily lucky, B and I went to visit my parents, and my dad said she was doing better.
We arrived the Thursday, but Saturday she was so ill, I already feared the worst.
Now, I'm writing this because this is serious stuff. I don't want to scare you, but want to help people out there to always do a double check, because I quote:
"Sadly, still as of today, hemangiosarcoma remains one of the most challenging, mysterious conditions encountered in modern veterinary practice. It's unfortunate that in the last 20 to 30 years no particular advances were made in the treatment of this condition."
~PetHelpful (https://goo.gl/v7LYGY please follow the link for more info)
As I said, this is not to scare, but as we were explained to, was that a misdiagnosis of tick fever is quite common, so when you hear that, let the vet make sure your baby might not have a ruptured tumour on their spleen or liver.
Because on that Sunday with Chloé, her abdomen was filled with blood...my dog was internally bleeding (without pain they said). We were then told that it wasn't good and I began losing it here, as I understood what this meant. She was diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma, which is one of those illnesses that if it is too developed...you know how it goes.
She received several shots to help clear the blood, help her eat and received treatment to generally just keep her alive, but she wasn't allowed to move much. Now, Chloé is a doggie that followed my dad everywhere and she loves their daily walk. To take that away was already making it feel wrong, but that was what it had to be, so we accepted it. We had to return every day for the shots, so the blood could clear and the vets could see what was going on.
It began looking positive and then Tuesday, 18 October, my baby couldn't get up. She was breathing heavier than ever and everything inside me began realising that we can't let her suffer like this. My parents told me that I had to choose...there was nothing else to choose than having her PTS.
That guilt.
That utter self-loathing.
It shook, shattered and effed up my entire world when I said the words I never wanted to speak.
I knew it was for the best, but damn...nine years and eight months seem petty compared to a normal human life. Then the fact that it had always been Chloé and Zoey, but suddenly it was just gonna be Zo, scared me. The idea that my mum's poor baby will be alone had me wondering what will Zo think and do? This is her best friend and I have given the go to take her away, because I don't want to see her suffer, while I'm afraid of a life without my sweet baby.
At least we had a vet come to my parent's home, where we could sit next to her and face the truth I still can't accept as there hasn't been a single day I haven't cried over her. I was replacing the damn toilet paper roll on Monday and the white reminded of her fur. I sit staring at photos of her and Zo, wishing that I could just feel her press up beside me, asking for attention. I dream of her and it feels like heaven, because I'm suddenly with her again.
This is the first time in more than 15 years that I don't have a dog of my own. It truly is an empty feeling and though my parents say Zoey is slowly healing from the confusion, Pompie has no idea why I have these outbursts, but luckily he comforts. Lady Lelik and Bachus have even less of an idea, but at least my extended furmily is here to help heal the little bits.
So...with these words, I wanna share my last letter, poem, wish, whatever to Chloé, because I know many people out there knows what it is to lose a best friend, a furbaby and the best part of your family.
Just once...
I wish I had pet you more and to not only do so excessively when the end was near.
I wish I had gotten off my lazy ass to play and walk with you until I knew it was enough for you.
I wish I spent days lazing outside with you, swim and pass out from exhaustion right there on the grass.
I wish I never let you sleep outside, though I know you and Zo had fun destroying the garden.
But mostly, I wish I could just have one more squishy hug, you think is strange.
One more wet nose kiss, that makes you overexcited when I freak out.
One more sigh from me when your hair is stuck on my clothes and practically everything else.
Even experience one last ache, as your claws dig into my arm when I am too busy chasing my dreams to give you more attention.
Even just see one last random outburst of excitement when you and Zo are off for a walk.
Even hear one last howl of joy when I come home.
I wish I could just feel your fluffy white fur beneath my fingertips, one last time, as your breath comes slower than usual, and not for you to feel the pain again, but for me to see that the pain inside myself now, is why I had to let you go. Because I still have to accept that the pain I feel now is not even close to what you were going through and that by letting you go, I saved you from that pain.
Yet through it all, I want you to know and feel that I always loved you. That my life without you might be filled with tears now, but it is because you gave me the best memories and you will always have a place in the emptiness within my heart.
I love you so much my little angel, so sleep well Chloé. We'll one day greet again with you barking and howling like the true wolf you are.
Because I promise you, I will never let you go.
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Take care of your furbabies and please take note of Hemangiosarcoma, in whichever form of fluff your furbaby or furbabies exists, any cancer should be taken note of as soon as possible.
Please share the article linked to the quote and help other furbaby parents be aware of what to look out for.
See you on the other side!
~Chevoque
